Depression and Happiness

19 Jan

Los Angeles wedding photography

I must be honest with you, dear readers. This entry is a more serious one, but I feel that I should be as open as I can be in regards to who I am – as a photographer, an actress, and a person.

I’m happy. Don’t misunderstand – I’m weary of the steps I’m taking because it’s a lot of work to get where I want to be. But! I’m happy. There is much to be said about beating depression, although I’m unsure if you can permanently beat such a thing.

What I’ve realized lately is the sadness that used to overwhelm my thoughts has stopped in its tracks. I can noticeably feel the depression start, and instead of it overtaking me, I just… breathe. This usually occurs while riding in the car, where my mind freely wanders. But, I remind myself of what I have to be happy about and I remain present. I end up noticing the smell of the air, or the song on the radio, or the hand in my lap.

One of my biggest examples of this depression was when I wanted matching hangers in my closet. Seriously. It was as if I had to have them or else… I don’t know, I would be upset at my life and all of its “failures.” If only I had this… I would be happy.

That was my main problem. I wasn’t happy with anything. And that’s something very difficult to admit for me. I prided myself in thinking that my core, my soul, my being was inherently happy. I didn’t picture myself as someone that really needed anyone or anything for happiness to exist in my life. Then I got cancer.

I became dependent. I became reliant. And whatever someone would do for me wasn’t good enough. Whatever I tried to do wasn’t good enough. Wherever I lived and whatever job I had could be better. Whatever I had could be better. I constantly thought about death and dying, to a point where I can’t even explain how it affects my life to this very moment.

So, I knew something was wrong – with the sadness and the ridiculous notion of matching hangers, but I didn’t know what it was. I went to therapy, which lasted two sessions because I didn’t have the money to really continue.

But then, life happened. It literally took a drastic turn and I had to reassess everything. My job, my goals, my closet… I lost practically everything. And you know what? I. Was. Happy.

And that’s how life is now. I work towards a very “big picture” for reasons that are beyond money and material things. It’s going to be difficult and long, but I will get there. And even if I don’t, I’m still happy. I’m still present. I still take pictures. :)


2 Responses to “Depression and Happiness”

  1. P January 19, 2010 at 2:44 am #

    I understand you and your blog as according to me the disease called depression can be eliminated only by happiness and care. If you remain happy than there is very less time to think that you are a depression patient. Good thinkung.

  2. Marilyn January 19, 2010 at 3:36 am #

    I’m very happy to read that you are slowly but surely feeling better. You are talented, art can be a savior, keep it up :) I wish you all the best!
    Bisous =)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s